The confessions of a broken individual

What a year it has been... So many things can be said, emotions ran high and a lot of heartache has taken place. This is one way of looking at it, but not the focus I would place on these two individuals.


Let me tell you a story, a story of courage and determination, a story I myself misunderstood until just recently. I used to be called Nomad Barcker and this is me in my most fragile state.

Our tale begins between white bindings, obtained a year ago as a gift, the script of which was not just mere words but feelings and emotions jumping off the pages (something quite magical).

This is not that story though....

I think it best if this tale be told backwards, maybe from the middle or the beginning... Unsure and confused I find myself in these recent times, often times I get stuck in what can best be described as a self destructive pattern.

I understand now that this is not the way I want things to be... It feels like I am just Nomad (another riddle for those so inclined) Who do I want to be? I want to be Nomad Barcker.

Barcker (as she would be known throughout this story) has shown such growth and I am nothing but proud of this individual. She has shown me things, things only one like her has the ability to show. There is but few words that can describe the way she makes me feel. I have seen what will happen if I let her go, I have been there before.

On the other hand, I have merely stood still in one place, stuck and not growing with her. Left behind by myself, stubborn and unchanged.

Who am I? I guess I am just Nomad.

Did I get left behind, was it my own doing? I believe the answer to that lies somewhere in the middle, I found myself trying to impress Barcker on every occasion, not staying true to myself. This was a mistake, one does not want to make, but the pressure of everyday life and my inability to communicate myself seems to have caught up with me...The wrong doing in this behavior, is the pain it caused Barcker. That can't be taken back.

Has my heart grown cold of this love? In fear of answering, I think it best, that this be described from the only place I store these kind of thoughts. There is not one night I lay my head to rest, that my heart feels cold towards Barcker. My feelings for her still stay the same, come what may... I will never turn away from dear Barcker.

The question then remains, who am I? I guess I am just Nomad.

Lost feelings:

Has the world changed? Is it just me? Is it Barcker?

I believe it is everything and everyone. Did I change? Did Barcker?

These questions keep running through my head? Do I have the answers? Am I looking in the wrong places?

Let me tell you this of dear Barcker, she is not at fault, do I blame myself? Should I?

I guess these type of questions take time and understanding. The time I spend on things that do not matter is what got me here, thinking of this. Barcker only looks out for me, trying to keep me on the right path. I do not understand this road, I have not known it before. Fear? Indeed this is new, but moving in the wrong way, this I have known before.

There is much to be said about my actions, battles to be fought and more heartache that will follow. Do I want to be this way? I want to be Nomad Barcker. You see, for years I have done as I pleased, not caring who I destroy in my path, I do not want this for dear Barcker. I can not stand the way I make her feel.

Lost feelings you may ask (it is the title after-all) It has come to my attention that I have obtained that broken heart once more, the one she mended piece by piece and it is has been my own doing. I do know that in time, I will be pieced back together. This is not that time though. The focus should be on dear Barcker.

I have wronged her this year, unspeakable things I have done. Should she forgive me? Would I forgive me?

Courage:

Barcker does not deserve the things that have happened as of late, nor the things that happened earlier this year. I do not know where she found the courage to stand up to me, I have never experienced that before. I do however know that I admire dear Barcker for that, I do not think I have that  kind of strength in myself. She has a greater understanding of life and the things that matter than I will ever have.

I look up to Barcker and I have a lot to learn yet from her. Do I deserve another chance? It is my feeling that she will grow tired of my ways, I would. I am after-all, just Nomad.

Now is the time, this is the hour... I need to gain control of my life, for fear of losing dear Barcker (this is my dream), but courage is not in me, I can not do the things she does and she does not know it I think. My life has been driven by fear for as long as I can remember. Escaping and hiding is all I know.

Who is she? She is Nomad Barcker.

The past, present and future:

Although the subject matter has been.... well, it has been quite depressing so far in my opinion, there has been some delight this past year. I wish everyday could be like that, full of delight. It is just not in me, yet. That is the plan, not to change who I am but to become Nomad Barcker again. I need to be like her again. She is Nomad Barcker.

What does the future hold? One can not say, but the present is what it is because of me. I need to attend to these things, these problems I have created. Does she still want to be Nomad Barcker? Can she? I want to believe that she still has the courage, even after I have broken her, over and over again.

There have been a lot of questions, of which many probably does not make sense, that is the state I have found myself in, full of questions. I believe that the key to these individuals lies within me, I am the one that needs to make things happen.

Dear reader.... I would like to take this time to point out the date of this article (if you missed it for some reason) I wish I knew then, what I know know, I would have lived this life differently.... much differently. The one thing I would not change is the question asked on the 26th of October 2016, the day I became Nomad Barcker.

Moving along.... It has come to my attention that the reader of this article might somehow be confused with all the character names. This will be explained in time.

Words spoken or not!!:

Barcker has spoken quite a lot this year, not so much myself. We shared dreams in the good times and heartache in the bad times, I should be more open!!! That was discussed numerous times, still I can not find myself doing this. It is of high importance, I need to understand this, I need to make it a part of me. I need to be Nomad Barcker again. Have I forgotten how or why this is important?

I have not been fair to Barcker in the words I have spoken, I have not been fair to myself! I got too comfortable, she was right... I need to step back a few steps and start from where I stopped being Nomad Barcker. I don't want to be just Nomad anymore.

Can the words spoken ever be justified? No they can't, I was wrong, as simple as that. No excuses.

I WAS WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!! These words mean more now than they have ever meant before, I have finally admitted this to myself. My whole life I could not say these words without meaning them.

How can one love another when one does not love oneself? I have yet to prove this Barcker, I hate the person I have become, so self involved and full of vanity.

Maybe these confessions is my way of opening up to Barcker, saying things I can not otherwise say. Maybe she will understand me better. I do know that I will be more open with her, I have to be. Be it in writing or spoken words, I need to share my feelings. I understand that now.

Around every corner:

This is where they lie, people, situations, trials and tribulations....these little things that distract me, pulling me away from dear Barcker. I need to focus, I need to be by her side, for myself and for her.
I stray to quickly, get stuck so easily. Who do I want to be? I want to be Nomad Barcker.

Is all the weakness in me? Am I still the scared little boy?

I believe so, I have much to do....much to prove to dear Barcker. The promises made between her and I is of such a nature that one simply can not just back away from it. I owe it to her.

Will I succeed? This I do not know! One can only hope, I need to find the strength, I need to be better, I need to search deep within myself and become Nomad Barcker again.

Around every corner is where I find myself, just me, Nomad. I see who I want to be, he presents himself around every corner in every situation, I just need to reach out.

Can I do this alone? Can I do it at all?

An explanatory pause:

This, as you might have noticed, is not like the first chapter written one year ago. This is not a love story, this is a chance for dear Backer to understand the fears of Nomad, to see what is hidden in his mind, to feel his emotions.

Complex, thought out, strange and awkward. This is Nomad, these are his writings, full of riddles and questions. This is how his mind works, it is not easy, its calculating, judgmental, technical and stubborn. He knows nothing more but this.

The moment they met:

This is where it started, this is how I loved dear Barcker... it was easy and welcoming. She made it what it was, it was true love.

"Dear reader, at this very moment I would like to make a note that Nomad does not love dear Barcker any less than the day they fell in love"

The love they share is still there, it is just that Nomad needs to get back on track, away from the temptations and the comfort. He needs to find himself. I need to become Nomad Barcker.

Have I strayed too far?

Lieber Vater, nimm meine Hand und führe mich durch diese unruhigen Zeiten. Amen.

Will I be welcomed back? I believe in time, with enough effort, this can be done.

Overthinking:

I do, always, this is just my nature. I blame others for my wrong doings. I hide behind myself. I am just Nomad. It gets the better of me and hurts the one I love.

Can I change? Do I want to?

What is this feeling of uncertainty?

Maybe I can get this resolved, MAYBE!?

I NEED to!! I have no other options. I must stop being Nomad. I want to be Nomad Barcker.

Conclusion:

"Dear reader, kindly take note (THIS IS OF HIGH IMPORTANCE)"

Though you might find this chapter shorter than the previous one, this is not the end - Throughout the year that follows a certain amount of riddles will be given to you - and if solved, more of these hidden pages will be revealed to you.

I have yet to prove my love to you!

Yours sincerely

Nomad


P.S. Before I forget, you might still be wondering how these character names fit into the story??

Below is the explanation:

Nomad, without Barcker, does not create as we call it: "EK & JY"